Generally speaking, that is.
Up until the last couple of years, that is.
Until I had to look back, that is.
The problem with looking forward is that it’s too easy to get stuck in the groove of making the same mistakes in life over and over again. Like so many, I’ve been there, and it leads to a therapist’s chair.
In that chair, two years ago now, I talked. I talked and wept and talked and remembered. The therapist, an expert psychiatrist, would notice when I needed prompting in a particular direction, and take me there. He was kind but firm in making me think about how all that has happened in the past was effecting my present, and was in danger of effecting my future as well.
It wasn’t until I was able to understand the past by digging it out and having a good honest look at it that I could get out of that self-destructive groove, and it still feels really good to be free of it.
Because, I can honestly say that I am free of it.
So why talk about that private experience openly in a blog post for the whole world to see?
We don’t tend to talk about mental illness, do we? There’s still a stigma. But we should, because it really does happen to the best of us, to most of us actually, if we’d only admit it. Also, that stigma, that ‘don’t about it’ attitude, costs lives. It’s important to talk about how it doesn’t last forever, if you get help. It’s the getting the help you need, that’s the important thing. If you’re ill, physically or mentally or even spiritually, see someone and get yourself well again. Sod the stigma.
I am still a person who looks ahead, moves forward, leaves the past behind, but every so often I cast a glance over my shoulder, as I have in these blog posts, just to check that the past isn’t about to bite me on the behind again.